The shocking discovery that Allen’s Coffee Flavored Brandy (motto: Now With Even More Allen) is on the verge of being replaced as the best-selling liquor in Maine by Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey (motto: Any Resemblance To Actual Whiskey Is Coincidental) prompted Republican Gov. Paul LePage to take swift action.
LePage issued an executive order requiring a doctor’s prescription before anyone can buy Fireball.
In a statement issued by his office, LePage is quoted as saying, “Just as the anti-overdose drug naloxone does not cure addiction to opioids, but merely prolongs the addict’s life, so Fireball does nothing to cure drunkenness, but merely prolongs an evening of carousing. I cannot condone either the use of illegal narcotics or the ingestion of intoxicating beverages for the mere purpose of having what the younger generation apparently considers to be ‘fun.’ Therefore, I am taking this unilateral action to protect youthful Mainers from their baser instincts.”
A hastily formed coalition of Democrats and millennials called Voters Opposed to Draconian Knot-headed Actions (VODKA) immediately condemned the governor’s order. “We challenge LePage’s authority to restrict access to a legal product,” said coalition organizer Trevor Puckus-Hooverbottom, 21, of Portland. “We intend to hire an attorney with the money we collect from cashing in our Fireball nips bottles.”
LePage did not appear overly concerned with this threat. In an apparent show of defiance, he issued additional executive orders banning new wind-energy projects, retail and wholesale marijuana sales, Medicaid expansion, the Maine People’s Alliance, Oprah Winfrey, transgendered automobile dealerships and Jägermeister.
“That last one tastes like sewer runoff mixed with the bitter tears of regret shed by my opponents,” the governor said in a statement issued by his press office. “It’s time to reject these dusky-hued immigrants, and for real Americans who want a cheap drunk to get back to our cherished national tradition of a shot of Jim Beam and a Budweiser.”
I confess I find much to admire in LePage’s newfound determination to spend his final months in office getting things done by ignoring the Constitution and proceeding as if the Legislature didn’t exist. That’s the sort of efficient, effective leadership we’ve seen in Syria (where neither naloxone nor Fireball is available, even with a prescription), North Korea (no need for wind turbines when you’ve got nukes) and Kansas (where Secretary of State Kris Kobach understands that making information about the activities of his defunct voter-fraud commission public is tantamount to sharing it with the Russians).
Sources in the LePage administration have told me the governor is far from finished with his one-man crusade to remake state government in ways that facilitate such industrial developments as offshore oil drilling (“Lobsters love petroleum”), open-pit mining in Aroostook County (“Those poor people up there love polluted water”) and pumping Canadian tar-sand oil to South Portland (“It tastes a hell of lot better than Fireball”).
To those liberal critics who insist LePage is inclined to green-light any sort of project regardless of the environmental consequences, his cadre of protective spokespeople insisted the governor could be as anti-business as any Democrat, particularly when it comes to restricting solar power, legal pot sales and wind energy (he might actually be right about that last one). “He’s considering new restrictions on all of those,” said one of his sock puppets, “including requiring anyone who wants to put solar panels on their roof to get a doctor’s prescription.”
According to the Maine Examiner – an online, right-wing news outlet that is definitely not connected in any way to the state Republican Party or GOP Executive Director Jason “Taxes? I Don’t Pay No Stinkin’ Taxes” Savage, even though it sure looks that way because of fake news the Democrats are spreading about some computer-y thing called “metadata” – a new study conducted by “reputable study conductors” shows that LePage is “dead right about everything.”
The Examiner, which is not biased in any way by its alleged alignment with Republican political operatives, goes on to point out the obvious prejudice of the mainstream media for failing to report on this important revelation.
The Examiner staff (both of them) is also involved in trying to form a pro-LePage advocacy group called the Freedom Initiative for Rights Exclusively for the Best Among Loyal LePagers (FIREBALL).
“Maybe that acronym is bad optics,” admitted someone who is definitely not Jason Savage. “We’re still trying to come up with a name for our organization that spells Allen’s Coffee Flavored Brandy.”
If you email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, I’ll toast you with decent bourbon.