(Dan Warren is on vacation this week. He has left one of his prior columns to be published in his space this week. He will return next week.)
Copy desk person 1: Run one of his prior columns??
Copy desk person 2: Oh, no, not another one of those my-how-Scarborough-has-changed pieces again? Please!
Copy desk 1: Actually, he had a funny one a while back. The one he wrote about “there ought to be a Scarborough ordinance prohibiting longtime residents from mentioning three outdated town landmarks in the same sentence when giving directions.”
Copy desk 2: Huh?
Copy desk 1: You know, for example: “You take a right on Route 1 near where the Carol’s Hamburgers used to be in the l970s, and then take a quick left off Sawyer Road into the lot where the Mammoth Mart was in the l960s, and then you can park for the medical office, which abuts the lot where Jimmy’s Hamburgers was in the l980s.”
Copy desk 2: I’d rather run one about his kids.
Copy desk 1: No! We can’t!
Copy desk 2: Why?
Copy desk 1: Because if we do, the kids will come into the office again!
Copy desk 2: Demand equal time?
Copy desk 1: Yeah. His daughter Maddie will ask to run male pattern baldness ads featuring dad.
Copy desk 2: His daughter Sophie too?
Copy desk 1: Yup. She will say, ‘Know how he loves those David Letterman-type list columns? Can I do one on The Top 10 Favorite Places That My Father Has Fallen Asleep in Public?”
Copy desk 2: How bad can that be?
Copy desk 1: She says it’s a LONG list – Portland Symphony Christmas concerts; Portland Stage Co. plays; any movie with Will Farrell….
Copy desk 2: How about his son, Sam?
Copy desk 1: Yes, Sam has probably the cruelest blow to deal.
Copy desk 2: What’s that?
Copy desk 1: He claims to have photos of himself standing next to his father that show Sam is now taller than his father.
Copy desk 2: Oh, no?
Copy desk 1: Yes. That is the only thing that has caused Dan to have a team full of lawyers contact us, threaten million-dollar defamation lawsuits etc.
Copy desk 2: Touchy subject, huh?
Copy desk 1: Dan claims it is just a “truth-in-advertising” type situation.
Copy desk 2: And don’t tell me – he is just concerned about the Current running a quality news operation, not objecting for personal reasons?
Copy desk 1: Exactly.
Copy desk 2: OK. So what do we do in his space this week?
Copy desk 1: I don’t know. Maybe just run another column about recollections about his high school baseball career again.
Copy desk 2: No! Are things that bad?
Copy desk 1: I don’t know what other choice we have.
Copy desk 2: You are talking about the column that says he still holds the local Legion record for most sacrifice bunts in a season – 26 in only 22 games?
Copy desk 1: Yup.
Copy desk 2: Man, THAT is one I would think he would want to sue about if we ran it!
Copy desk 1: Nope. He actually likes it…
Copy desk 2: He’s back next week, right?
Copy desk 1: Thank God, yes.
Dan Warren is a Scarborough trial lawyer. He can be reached by private Facebook message at Jones & Warren Attorneys at Law page, or by email at [email protected]