It’s time to relax and take a break from politics.
The Legislature has adjourned, not to return until December when there’ll be some new faces, but many more old faces, so don’t expect any change.
Gov. Paul LePage has announced he’ll no longer make as many public appearances, because “rich college kids” and “idiots” show up to protest the idiotic things he says, while the media ignore his accomplishments and make a big deal out of him being offensive and inaccurate.
There are five referendum questions to be decided, but not until November, and most of us already know how we’re voting on legalizing pot, ranked-choice voting, raising the minimum wage, requiring background checks for private gun sales and some kind of education-funding thingy that (like all education-funding thingies) promises more than it can deliver, because our elected leaders regard education-funding-thingy referendums as mere suggestions that are meant to be ignored.
As for the presidential race, it’s all but settled, which means we no longer have to pay attention to one nominee’s inability to be truthful and the other’s inability to perform even a flimsy imitation of a normal human being.
There’s nothing to do except kick back, open a cold one and – wait – primary election? WHAT PRIMARY ELECTION!??!
Apparently, against everyone’s better judgment, Maine has scheduled a primary for June 14. This will be an opportunity for voters to decide such important questions as which of two right-wing Republicans will be given the honor of being crushed by 1st District Democratic U.S. Rep. Chellie Pingree. If you care deeply about this matter, please get help.
Also, there are several intra-party squabbles over legislative seats. I’d list some of the more interesting ones, but because they’re legislative races, there aren’t any interesting ones. Nevertheless, as a public service (and because I’m nowhere close to my word count), I’ll mention a few, so you can see why democracy is a highly overrated form of government.
Democrats in Biddeford, Alfred, Arundel, Dayton, Kennebunkport and Lyman will have to choose between boring-but-rational state Sen. Susan Deschambault and eccentric-but-annoying Joanne Twomey, a former Biddeford mayor and legislator best known for once throwing a jar of Vaseline at LePage’s feet during one of those public events the governor has cut back on. Twomey may make some noise, but Deschambault will slide to victory like she was greased with you know what.
On the Portland peninsula, the most liberal Senate district in the state, two of the most liberal state representatives in the state are looking to succeed Justin Alfond, the term-limited incumbent. Democrats Diane Russell and Ben Chipman are in a frantic contest to prove who’s the bigger leftist, while a third candidate, Charles Radis, has deluded himself into thinking he has a chance, even though he’s a doctor and ought to know better.
Senate District 2 takes up a chunk of Aroostook and Penobscot counties roughly the size of Afghanistan, only with a worse economy. Republicans state Rep. Ricky Long of Sherman and Presque Isle resident Emily Smith both contend they’re the best bet to hold the seat of retiring GOP Sen. Mike Willette (he of the offensive Facebook postings), but it may not matter because Democrat Mike Carpenter of Houlton, a former legislator and attorney general, is the early favorite in the November vote.
Another open Senate seat, this one in the Gardiner-Hallowell area, due to the retirement of Republican Earle McCormick, has prompted primaries for both parties. Democrat Shenna Bellows, who ran for the U.S. Senate in 2014, is the Democratic frontrunner, with George O’Keefe and the delightfully named Terry Berry offering such competition as they may. The GOP race features Bryan Cutchen and Maureen Blanchard, both of whom may be swell people, but I haven’t bothered to check.
In Saco, Democratic Sen. Linda Valentino has had her fill of Augusta. The Dem primary to replace her features state Rep. Justin Chenette, one of the party’s bright young polliwogs, against state Rep. Barry Hobbins, a dinosaur thought to have gone extinct centuries ago.
The political season isn’t over yet. There are still important decisions to make. Like what kind of beer to drink while ignoring the primaries.
There may be other candidates I didn’t get around to insulting. Suggestions can be emailed to email@example.com.