Here’s why you should vote Democratic this election:
1. Republican 2nd District U.S. Rep. Bruce Poliquin hates campers. “These are not my kind of people,” Poliquin allegedly told the owner of a proposed campground in Phippsburg 15 years ago in justifying his opposition to licensing what he called “a trailer park” next to a high-end resort he was trying to establish.
2. GOP Gov. Paul LePage has been an excellent governor – from the neck down, which accounts for him making national news for racist remarks about drug dealers and Maine’s virginal white women. “It’s not just one issue there or one bad comment there,” Maine Democratic Party chairman Phil Bartlett told the Bangor Daily News. “We’re dealing with a situation that Maine’s image nationally is suffering. The governor at every turn has made the situation worse.”
3. Republicans in the Legislature have failed to hold LePage accountable, while squandering opportunities to advance a coherent economic agenda. Even the governor agrees with that latter contention, having campaigned against two incumbent GOP legislators during the primary, resulting in the defeat of one of them. He’s also urged voters attending his town hall meetings around the state to “throw the bums out.”
4. And obviously, Donald Trump.
Now, here’s why you shouldn’t vote for anyone on the fall ballot with a “D” after their name.
1. Democrats have no platform and haven’t had one since the days of Lyndon Johnson (the Great Society) and Ed Muskie (the Clean Water Act). Instead, Dems define themselves by opposing whatever Republicans support. So they’re in favor of dirty, smelly campers plopping trailers next to posh condos. But they’re against charter schools, affordable electricity, welfare reform and tax cuts for people who actually pay taxes. Oh wait, the Democrats’ plan for “A Better State of Maine” also calls for food hubs (whatever they are), infrastructure investments (is anybody against that?) and inducing young people to stay in Maine by making downtowns more trendy (a Whole Foods in Mattawamkeag?).
2. Democrats have no real leaders. Sure, the GOP has wimps like House Minority Sycophant Ken Fredette, but that doesn’t begin to match up with limp noodles like House Speaker Mark Eves, Senate Minority Leader Justin Alfond, congressional candidate Emily Cain, Portland Mayor Ethan Strimling and Bangor City Councilor Joe Baldacci. None of them has proved a match for LePage, even at his looniest.
3. Democrats have no clue how to win major elections. Quick, name the last time a Dem not named Chellie Pingree prevailed in an important race (no, mayor of Portland doesn’t count as important). The answer is Mike Michaud in the 2012 contest for the 2nd District seat. Before that, it was John Baldacci in the 2006 governor’s race. The most recent Democrat to win a U.S. Senate seat was George Mitchell back in 1988, when some voters in this election had yet to be born.
4. And obviously, Hillary Clinton.
In spite of these compelling arguments against casting a ballot for either major party, lots of seemingly normal voters will anyway, motivated not by partisan concerns (they’ve long since lost track of which side favors foreign trade agreements and have no idea who we’re supporting in Syria this week), but by a local issue of such overwhelming importance as to blot out all else.
Question 3 is going to turn out a lot of folks this November who might otherwise have opted to stay home and get stinking drunk. This measure requires background checks for private gun sales, and has motivated conservative, rural voters like nothing short of the opening day of deer season. The National Rifle Association and the Sportsman’s Alliance of Maine have their members locked and loaded to vote no.
In spite of the big money from out of state supporting the referendum, the pro-gun crowd will almost certainly prevail, while incidentally delivering the 2nd District to Trump, legalizing pot and rejecting ranked-choice voting.
Smoking guns will also prove more potent than the odor of hygiene-deficient hunters after two weeks of boozing it up and occasionally looking for something to shoot. Whether Poliquin likes them or not, these deplorable campers will be voting for him.
The trouble with camping is I can’t get emails sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.